


Pushing and Shoving

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-10
Updated: 2008-01-10
Packaged: 2019-01-19 17:38:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12414837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: [Fic Exchange '07] It reminded him of that time, that time when Sirius and James inflated Snape up to epic proportions, tied him to a string, and carted him around the castle like a balloon.





	Pushing and Shoving

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

_A gift to Pam (luminous_star) in the 2007 Christmas Fic Exchange_  

 

**Pushing and Shoving**

By Twilts

 

Lily on her birthing bed would not have been more beautiful to James if he had arrived on time. The beauty of the moment could probably have been related, somewhat, to the frantic beating of his heart, his more mussed up than usual hair, or the sight of her hope and joy blooming onto her face as she saw him trip through the door. He knew it shouldn’t be so beautiful to him. His wife had spent almost a day on that bed, facing painful contractions while being harassed by his best friend, without him. It should have been a moment that they shared, together, in soon-to-be-parental bliss, and connecting in that miraculous way. But the fact still remained that she was never more beautiful than in that moment. He looked at her for a second, and then rushed to her side, right as baby Harry pushed into the world.

*

“No, James, no, no, no. It’s unethical, it’s wrong, and I won’t stand for it. We should petition! I can send a mail around; I’m sure everyone’ll sign it. You can give up your job and live as a renegade, no-talent artist to show your rebellion, and then they can’t send you away on a job because you wouldn’t have one, and then you can sit at home and feed grapes to your pregnant wife.”

“Lily!” he laughed, accusingly. “Don’t be silly, I’d be the most talented artist the world would ever see! Picasso would be begging for an autograph. But don’t worry. Dumbledore says it’s a quick, meaningless job, that should be done quickly and that the Order would thank me or some rot. I’ll be sure to buy some grapes on the way back, love. You just keep that kid in your belly till I come back, okay?”

He kissed her on the nose, and then traipsed out the door.

*

A doorbell rang _._

“Not Sirius. Not Sirius. Not Sirius.”

A door creaked open.

“Oh, bugger.”

 

*

“Sirius?”

Sirius was bouncing, and she could have smacked him.

“Sirius.”

He grinned at her, and tossed her a grape. “You don’t have the put ‘the Third’. There’s only one of me yet… he’d be the second.”

“Sirius!”

“Yes, love?”

“No matter how many grapes you throw at me, I will _under no circumstances_ name my baby any variation of _your_ ungrateful name!”

“Well then, how ‘bout ‘Snuffles’…?”

A grape was thrown back at him.

*

Sirius rushed into the room when he heard something fall to the ground. It had sounded suspiciously like a lamp, though he didn’t so much as care about the lamp as he wanted to make fun of Lily’s whale of a stomach.

He walked in the room and took in Lily’s panicked eyes, frantic motions, and heavy breathing, and knew what had happened.

“YOU’RE CHEATING ON JAMES?! AFTER ALL THIS TIME! BUGGER ALL!”

He turned over some furniture in haste before looking at Lily, and taking in her glare.

“Oh, it’s just the baby, isn’t it? I’ll get the hospital bag!”

He skipped away. Lily swore at Merlin, viciously.

*

Panting.

“AAGHHH!!”

Panting.

“AAGHHH!!”

Panting.

“Sirius, I swear if you don’t stop panting, you will no longer be in possession of your dainty bits.”

Sirius squeaked into silence.

*

“Lily! I need those fingers!”

“Not as much as I do!”

Contractions rolled over Lily, and she squeezed Sirius’ fingers white. Sirius ended up screaming more than Lily. For the next few days, Sirius was wary around Lily, claiming she had the hands of a sumo wrestler.

He also claimed that she’d almost broken his fingers, and made some crude suggestions about what women would do without his fingers.

*

“Do you know what this reminds me of? Take a guess! Stretch your imagination!”

“No.”

“No, you won’t guess, or no, your imagination cannot compare to mine. I already knew the latter, you know. It’s no mystery.”

Lily sighed, it was now her fourth hour of labour, and she didn’t know how much more of Sirius she could handle. “What does this remind you of, Sirius?”

It reminded him of that time, that time when Sirius and James inflated Snape up to epic proportions, tied him to a string, and carted him around the castle like a balloon. It reminds Sirius of that, except Lily smells significantly better, he said. Snape had smelled vaguely of prunes and rotten fish and potion guts.

Lily glared at him through half-closed eyes, made a wild gesticulation in the direction of his face, and then groaned as another contraction slammed into her like the brick she’d have liked to launch at Sirius’ head.

*

Sirius walked back into the room, with an icepack on his fingers and a grin on his face.

“Good news!” he said, bouncing again. Lily had tired of this before her so-far eight hours of labour had even begun. “Alice and Frank had their baby a little over ten hours ago! He’s adorable, but pretty underweight. But you know what they say! Skinny babies mean lots of chins when they grow up!”

“Posh,” Lily scoffed. “But I guess they won’t be twins, then, my baby and hers. Shame. What’s the name?” She was brighter now than she had been for hours, at hearing the news.

“Neville!” Sirius trilled. “Neeeeviiiileeee!” His sickening falsetto bounced off the ceiling fan.

*

Lily was crying, then.

“My baby is too nice! Waiting for James… but I can’t even scream at James for doing this to me because he isn’t here! I can’t be the bitchy woman-in-labour that I’m born to be! This stinks! Life stinks! I pity my baby for having to enter life!”

Sirius thought vaguely that Lily would be sure to experience post-birth moodiness. He couldn’t remember the scientific name for it, but he rarely could.

“It’s okay, Lily! You’re doing just fetching being bitchy! I can’t even feel my arm, now!”

She grinned a little at the accomplishment.

*

The Healer looked at Lily with a furrow digging deep into her brow. “Lily, you have to push now. We just can’t wait any longer! You’re risking your lif—.”

“I DON’T CARE!” Lily screamed. She was far too much in pain to speak in reverent tones. “I’M NOT HAVING A BABY IF JAMES ISN’T HERE!”

Lily’s mother, who was Flooed in a half hour ago, wiped sweat off of her daughter’s brow. She sighed her daughter’s name but did not argue, knowing that her Lily had been stubborn from the start. Mrs. Evans swore to God that if James didn’t come through the door in the next five minutes, that boy wouldn’t be capable of having a baby again.

“Lily! You can’t wait! You just can’t! I need your help on this, I need you to push!”

Sirius grunted in agreement, squeezing Lily’s arm back this time for emotional support.

“Lily!”

“Lily!”

“LILY!”

The third time it was James, and Lily’s muscles relaxed even at the sound of his voice. He stumbled through the door, almost falling flat onto the floor but catching himself gracefully. He pushed Sirius away from his wife with a grin, a “thanks, mate,” and a thud, and kissed his wife.

Five minutes later, crying echoed off of the walls of the infirmary, and a Healer wrote the name “Harry James Potter” onto the appropriate slot on a birth certificate.

July 31st, 1980.

*

A few hours later, Sirius is animatedly telling James the story of Lily’s labour, detailing in the bizarre thoughts his mind was having and the outrageous things Lily tended to cry out while in pain.

“I tell you, Prongs! She definitely said something about a time with Firewhisky and—.”

“Sirius,” James says, oddly protective of his wife at that moment.

“And, anyway, you know that because _I’m_ the godfather, his name will be partly mine. _Harry Sirius Potter_. It has a ring. I love tradition. And I thought Lily wouldn’t name him after me! I love tradition.” He is redundant, and grins widely in Lily’s direction. James thinks it wise not to tell Sirius that they hadn’t followed the godfather tradition with Harry’s name.

When another voice spoke out, Sirius thought it would be Lily, verbally abusing him. She couldn’t throw anything this time, because her arms were full of baby Harry.

But it was Dumbledore, striding into the room.

“James, Lily. I have to tell you something very important about your son, and the fate of the world.”

 

 

  



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